6 Subtle Ways To Start Paying For Her Whole Life

1) Claim to do a boba run for everyone but only ask her for her order.

2) Send her gift cards to her favorite places, if she asks, tell her you do a bunch of surveys (believable because you don’t have a life outside of obsessing over her and it shows).

3) Leave wads of cash in her mailbox.

4) Build her a mansion in the south with a wraparound fence with your own bare hands, stage an auction and sell it to her for a dollar (you’d offer her the blood of your first born child but you’d always hoped it would be with her).

5) Steal a rare blue diamond for her before you inexplicably die of hypothermia from floating in below freezing waters evidently for fun because you were surrounded by an abundance of large planks of wood you could have used as a life raft, including the one she decides to hog for herself. Chivalry!

6) Completely devote your life to building an empire you hope she will one day love and be so admirable of she falls in love with you… or at least uses you for whatever she wants without you having to ask. Even if it means you going to jail for her after she crashes your car through the body of an innocent woman in the street. No bailing you out—she gets all the money while you sit in your cell and think about her. The ultimate privilege.