The evolved simp is the every man. He is the one you think of in traditional alpha roles: the high earning techies who get their dicks sucked by clueless startup CEOs coasting on their book cash deal. He’s the guy who earns way too much for doing nothing. Sure, he does his job. But he’s a degenerate who honestly doesn’t give a fuck about anything except doing coke on the weekend with his idiot friends while building his dream man on 2k. He doesn’t have the emotional capabilities for a relationship because he gets threatened by accountability. He’s alone most of his life and the only times he has someone to talk to all day is if he has the off chance at a fling he throws him a bone out of pity. He doesn’t understand Twitter. He thinks Instagram is the center of the world. He was the type of guy you didn’t want to hear from during the GME stint. Maybe at some point he was a nice guy, but his insecurity about his mediocre stroke game, deeply rooted in his inability to communicate, made him a loser. 

He’ll claim he doesn’t remember the first time he started jacking off to women on the internet. Sounds harmless, right? He’s the type of son of a bitch that jerks off to his ex’s IG at 3 am. Every time he looks he just ends up hurting himself, but he can’t stop. His mornings always start the same: wake up with a fat boner and jerk off to her page. It’s been years since they broke up and he’s even dated someone else and yet he still can’t get over her. 

He’s not good at keeping it a secret. He gets depressed and blocks and unblocks her in the middle of the night. He almost had an aneurysm when she went private for 92 hours. She came back on with a new picture of her new man... shattered, might be a good way to describe how he felt. A shell of a man who could no longer eat, just drink and smoke hookah and yell at his friends for losing the coke bag. They asked him what the hell was wrong with him? But how could he possibly tell them it was because his ex from 3 years ago posted a picture of some guy. He’s not supposed to be that guy. How pathetic. 

He knows he lost her forever. He watches from a distance and he thinks it’s good for her, when the benefit is really all his. Even though she wants nothing to do with him, this is the purpose of his life in its entirety. He knows that if he’s been this obsessed for years, he’ll never get over her. She’s enigmatic, ever-glowing and undeniably superior to him.... and he was just the same as he always was. Uninspiring. Unchanged. Boring and so easy to kick to the curb. 

It’s been a decade since he got dumped and he still likes for her in every girl. He’s now resorted to building a script and paying girls online just to say the same words she did, but it’s never quite the same. He’s convinced that one day he’ll settle down and find a wife who accepts him for the shell of a man he is, but for now, he’ll keep simping for his ex.