You’re not a paranoid guy. You see how desperate and pathetic your friends have been about their long distance relationships and you vowed never to be such a sad little bitch. But then you got with her. And she moved away. Thusly your life as a sad little neglected LDR boyfriend began.

You haven’t been in many relationships. You spend a lot of time thinking, by yourself (like you have a choice), and you have an idea of how to do it right. So you thought. Lately your brain has spiraled so deeply you can’t even recognize yourself anymore.

You hate victimizing yourself, but they did this to you. You, once carefree and jovial, are now tormented with the thought of her, but not just her. Her with another man.

You don’t like perceiving yourself. It’s not because you’re ugly, you’re just… forgettable. You used to try to keep up, but your personal best is most people’s mediocre, so you’ve gotten really good at just not thinking about yourself at all. You never considered yourself lacking, or at least the thought never entered your mind, not until he came about (inside her).

You don’t even know if she’s fucking him. And yet you do. You know in the pits of your dusty, forgotten, cobwebbed soul that there’s no chance in hell she’s not. You would know—it’s where you live. You can tell in the way she doesn’t text you as much anymore. The way her status is radio silence from the hours of 7pm-7am, location shut off. The way she takes these earth-shatteringly beautiful outfit pictures, never to tell you what she’s doing or where she’s going, or with whom. Especially with whom. You? You’re alone. You only have yourself and your thoughts, a rapid-fire images of her getting impaled by his giant pulsating horsecock. Absolutely no mercy.

So what does a guy like you do? No proof, no prospects, and a phone drier than the chaffed skin on his dick rubbed raw, surrounded in your own personal landfill of bargain mart tissue boxes and bottles of Juvederm? The only thing he knows how to: self-sabotage. Blow up her phone. Be the first one to view her stories. Lurk her Venmo transactions (even though she’s never stopped using your credit card). Do everything in your power to have her to look at you, then look at him, and think yea. I made the right choice.