Help! Your Best Friend Won't Stop Impregnating Your Wife

You have a forgettable life. Boring job, shit town. You know one day you’ll leave but you don’t have the balls to do so yet. Your entire life is here and you know if anything most people wish they were you: you’re married to the woman everyone wishes they had. The most brilliant woman to be born of your town, the one who came back one day after living her best life in the city, a life she doesn’t ever talk to you about. She’s intensely beautiful and so much better at sex than you’ll ever be, not that you’ll ever personally know. Your wife doesn’t fuck you. She’s never initiated sex with you and has never expressed any desire to be intimate with you. You sleep in separate beds and have done so since the beginning of your marriage. Where it all went wrong? It’s always been like this, and you’ve accepted your position as sexless loser convivant whose only purpose is as a human ATM to her.

You wish your mind could stop at that: spit cash out for her and nothing more. Your eyes and ears betray you every time, and your feet coerce yourself to standing right outside her bedroom doorway every night, standing at attention as somebody else takes your wife’s tight little holes. Instead of feeling angry at seeing it was no one else but your best friend indulging in the woman of your dreams, you blamed yourself for being able to recognize it was him just by the sounds he made inside her.

You’re too much of a bitch to go in there and say anything. To march in and see him taking her from behind, cumming all over the beautiful sheets you paid for. In the lingerie you beg to take to the dry cleaners for her. Just for her to feed him the food and wine you shop for her, laying together lazily until they’re ready to go once again. You stay by the door the whole night listening to everything, unable to walk away even if you wanted to. You’re addicted to hearing the sounds she’ll never make for you, and in some sick way you take pleasure in knowing your best friend wants your wife just as badly as you do.

You can’t say anything to anybody about the sad reality of your nonexistent sex life. Your wife has already been impregnated by him twice, with another one on the way. Everybody congratulates you on her pregnancies, a physical manifestation of how potent your dick is supposed to be. The truth is the closest your nut has ever been to your wife is when you accidentally cummed all over her lingerie sets, the ones he said were his favorites, when you were supposed to be their pathetic little errand boy. You couldn’t help but sit in your car and shove the crotch of her panties in your face, still wet from the destruction he caused the night before. Your sex life is just you and these panties, complete with the scent of another man’s nut in your beloved wife. So what is a sexless virgin freak to do in such a predicament? Take it. Take it like the bitch you are, and be grateful they continue to tolerate you in their lives, because without them, your worth is less than nothing.