Dating App Horror Stories: Nobody Wants Your Tiny Penis

You’re a scammer.

You used to be able to trick girls into going out on at least three dates with you before they found out about your tiny, microscopic secret. Now it seems it’s written all over your face as you can’t even get them to stick around for the first one. Maybe it’s all the self-deprecating, tiny penis jokes. You can’t help it. Word vomit, or so they call it. Whatever it is, you can’t help put it out there: you have an ugly baby carrot for a penis.

You’re not particularly good looking. You’re not ugly. You’re just there, you just exist, like a tumbleweed in the wind, nobody gives you a second thought. Maybe that’s why you’re so loud about how small you are. Any attention is better than none at all. Being rejected on your 407th 1st date is much, much better than jerking off to your phone in your empty, too big apartment. Everything seems oversized when you’ve seen what you’ve seen.

Your sex life is completely non-existent. You repel women. Not only do you have a small penis, you give off small penis energy. You constantly try to bring up how much money you make, how much you’ve travelled, all the fancy restaurants you’ve been to. None of this matters when you go home together and you pull down your pants to reveal your tiny, pitiful stub.

You’ve gotten really good at walking girls to the door of their car after they abruptly pull their clothes back on after a few minutes of feeling around down there. Whenever you get the chance, you insist that you’re good at head (you’re really not, nobody ever wants to give you the opportunity to learn, another byproduct of small penis energy). You make out for a few minutes, you try really hard to flex your biceps and abs so she doesn’t your appearance completely offensive, but naturally, her hand slides down your pants and she feels around for your bulge, or lack thereof.

You swear you could be bigger, performance anxiety! You yelp but she’s already pulling her shirt back over her tits and calling up her car. The show you had talked about starting together over text, with such zeal and anticipation, now blares in the background, and you can tell she’s grateful there’s something to fill the awkward silence between you two. She doesn’t say it but she couldn’t be louder: she wants nothing to do with you.

Maybe when you were younger, in college, someone would have done charity work and taken your virginity. But you were so ashamed of how small you were, you acted too cool, a celibate, a man’s man who didn’t have time to waste on pussy, when it was actually the one thing you could never stop thinking about. Everything turned you on, like a desperate goon, and even the presence of your female classmates, the ones who ignored you and didn’t even know you existed, was too much for you to bear. You jerked off in the bathroom stall so much that semester you now feel nostalgic whenever the stench of a public restroom wafts into your nostrils. How romantic.

You don’t know why you’ve told your date how many first dates you’ve been on, just because of one app, just for them to never go anywhere. She says she’s been on four? You’ve been on 142. And you have more lined up after her, her rejecting you that same night inevitable, and yet it still stings all the same. The lack of excitement, her face falling, her pussy drying up not even the sight but the FEEL of how small you are.

You had to lose your virginity in a brothel in Korea. You tell yourself it’s a rite of passage, almost all guys do it at some point, but how many of them have to keep coming back in order to ever be laid? Your friends try it out once, some already with girlfriends they sleep with regularly, and it’s all a joke to them. But to you, it’s the only place a woman will touch your penis for more than a millisecond without looking at you in horror. And if they do, at least they apologize. Actually sometimes they don’t, they just laugh, just like everybody else.

Nobody, not even the women paid to touch you, want anything to do with your tiny penis. You even upped your tips to see if it would make them feign a little bit of enthusiasm, but no, they give you that look every time. Oh yea, that guy. The one with the clitty micro penis. It’s a blessing, honestly, because for a guy as boring as you are, it’s one, and perhaps the only thing you’ll ever be remembered for. Your tiny fucking penis