Ask A Domme: Does Size Matter?

Dear Diana,

I’ve never been blessed…down there. The worst part is that I’m tall and muscular so women always expect me to be huge but whenever I pull my pants down for them I can feel the air get sucked out of the room. Sex is always awkwardly silent with the odd “is it in?” here and there. Having an embarrassingly tiny penis means I should have stamina, word play, SOMETHING to make up for it… but I don’t. I just cum everywhere, all at once, and no matter how hard I want to work on my issues nobody will take the chance to fuck me more than one time. I really like this girl but I’m so scared to show her my tiny, ineffective penis. What should I do? —Micro Pinclitfluencer

Dear MP,

Know that you are alone in suffering from this unfortunate predisposition. You’re not the only one who drives their sexual partners to solo trips to the bathroom, giant vibrating dildo in hand. Is this microdick solidarity going to help you get laid more? Of course not. Accept defeat now. Nobody’s going to learn to love your tiny penis, especially since you’re too dumb to file away a few key phrases you could whip out when your tongue isn’t halfway up her butthole. Buy a sheath to cover up your shame (the bad dragon ones are my fav) because nobody should have to put up with your tiny freeze dried shrimp. The girl you like might say your real dick is fine, but sex will always end with your sheath on so she can actually feel something.

Dear Diana,

I’m a virgin and I’ll probably die this way. Me asking you how I can get laid would be a comical waste of time because I’ve tried everything. I have other friends who were long time virgins who finally went and pursued the company of some very beautiful escorts, and spoke highly of the experience. Unfortunately I have a Napoleon complex and think I’m better than them, holding out hope I can meet someone organically. I only like REAL women, none of that photoshop IG crap, and I would prefer if she woke up looking like a vision just to suck the virgin skin off my dick. Is there a chance she’s out there, waiting for me too? —Untouched Leftovers

Dear UL,

No. The woman you want isn’t out there waiting for you because the woman you want doesn’t exist. While your friends made the enlightened decision to have their virginities professionally extracted, you stayed at home jerking your little Napoleonic dick off. They likely already have plans to do it again, to have even better sex than they did last time, while you’re still at zero. You’re not better than them. You’re becoming even more of a loser than when you were all virgins together. They actively sought to change that about themselves while you spend your time bashing women on the internet. The only head you should expect is when you finally learn to suck your own dick, which shouldn’t be long from now with all the time you have to practice, while your friends go out and have real sex.