Dear Diana,

I’m not over my ex. Each morning I wake up and think of her only to put myself to sleep at night and see her in my dreams. Every moment in between is flooded with thoughts of her and only her, and the sad thing? It’s been years. Years since we’ve last spoken to each other. I know the exact date because I pass the time by rereading our conversations, which never seem to get old. Sometimes I feel like I’m just living my life only to have her intrude my thoughts, and it makes me wonder—does she miss me too? Is she manifesting me and that’s why I have no choice but to stay under her spell, in love with her forever? Does she think about me the way that I think about her? Her social media, which I have tried to quit lurking to no avail, shows she’s living her best life, even has a new boyfriend. Is it possible, in the dead of night, even when she’s cradled in his arms, she dreams about me too?

—Hopeless Creamer, I mean, Dreamer

Dear H.C.,

The short and the long answer is no. She doesn’t think about you at all. She’s off living her best life, as she should, with a man whose dick is so large she can’t think about anything else. He cums so much inside her ass it’s infiltrated her blood stream, entering her brainstem, fusing with her DNA. She’s not the same girl you loved all those years ago, no, the one you held in such high esteem is now a fuck puppet for a guy who doesn’t even ask her if she had any dreams at all. Sure, he buys her shit, takes her out, brings her on vacation, but you know her so much better than he does, and yet she still won’t go back to you. She never will. So to answer your question—does she dream about you? Maybe, she could, but even if she did it doesn’t change anything, you’ll always be the guy she walked away from, never to look back.

Dear Diana,

I matched with this girl on Hinge and she’s so out of my league it’s painful. The worst part? She’s dated one of my friends. He’s usually a chill guy but he was so broken when things ended, he moved across the country to escape every memory of her. Meanwhile she’s still here, hotter than ever, hotter than when she was with him, and I want her to myself so bad. The shit thing is that I know my friend has a massive penis. I know this because we were in a frat together. He’s tall, rich, and fucking packing, and I heard through the grapevine that he’s now celibate because he knows he peaked with her. How am I supposed to impress her with my floppy penis? Sure I get hard but I also get nervous and no matter how hot the girl is, the second I stick it in all the blood rushes from my dick up to my brain as I overthink my entire existence and how the dick she’s taken before me was probably so much better. How do I impress the girl of my dreams when I don’t even come close to her ex? —They’re Hot I’m Not

Dear T.H.I.N.,

I don’t care to give advice to anybody who isn’t self-aware, as they’re usually too delusional to heed my words anyways. Alas, your story is not uncommon, and so I pity you and will give you the truth you so desire: you want your friend, not her. I don’t know if it started in your frat but you definitely want to get on your knees and suck his massive dick. The best part? It doesn’t even matter if your penis goes floppy, nobody’s going to notice once he drives his entire cock into you. Do you even care to deny it? Your whole blurb about her was mostly about him: his huge package and how hot he is. Life is so much better when you’re honest with yourself, so please—have some self awareness and text your friend, he probably needs you more than you know. The worst he can do is regale you with all the times he broke her holes before she broke his heart, and the best he’ll do is tell you what you already know: she would have dumped you anyways. Good luck.